who am i?

Becoming a mother is a transformative experience filled with pain and joy and tears and laughter. This journey is not just about the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes; it's also about rediscovering who you are in this new, multifaceted role.

You find yourself constantly asking: Who am I?

But I was awesome before, right?

When my oldest arrived, I often felt like a shell those first weeks. A feeding, diapering, soothing, crying (my tears) zombie. I was exhausted, frantic, nervous and felt like a huge explosion had rocked everything. I was a person, right? I couldn’t even remember.

Over time, I began to see things a little more clearly. I had a career I was proud of and good at. I had a partner and relationship that was changing but had strong bones. I was someone who loved to cook (never clean) and who enjoyed a nice glass of French red and a meal on a real plate. I liked novels that were easy to read and music that was bouncy and loud.

Slowly I came back to myself along with my new mother self.

Who is this new mother/self?

As I fell into my new motherhood self, I often tried to find the old me. Sometime I found her, sometimes she seemed like a weird sister stranger who maybe existed or maybe just was a figment.

Dana Raphae, the medical anthropologist, coined this time as “matrescence.”

I became teary when I learned there was a word for my life. The shadow of before colliding with this new part. Now I had to discover my new self, what will it hold?

Time

Time is funny. It makes you who you are. I am and always will be a mother. Time took me through the journey of matrescence, and now I find myself chugging along toward the next phase. But change and shifts continue as I move through parenthood and begin glimpsing the time to come that so closely resembles the time before. It’s odd and exhilarating.

As I walk with those just starting the journey toward matrescence, I feel honored to be a guide on this path. To experience a new phase of life is hard AND amazing, and held more peacefully when walked through with a guide.

Discovering who you are after becoming a mother is an ongoing journey. It's about embracing the changes, finding humor in the chaos, and recognizing that the woman staring back at you in the mirror is stronger and more amazing than you ever imagined.